The List…Fill It In Maaaaaaan

The List…Fill It In Maaaaaaan

Hey…c’mere a sec. I don’t have long. I promised I would focus on planning a wedding and cut back on a few things to make sure we’re prepared so I must be quick. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi you’re my only hope…wait that’s not it, I don’t need a rescue and this isn’t a droid…damn I may need to figure out where we got the mushrooms we had in the pasta sauce.

Let me explain my biggest frustration in this whole wedding thing. It’s you, yes you all out there. I can’t invite you all and that sucks but it is what it is. You see a year and a half (ish) ago the first thing we did was write out our ideal guest list and it was damn near 200 people. food and drink for 200…whoa. We let it slide and set off on the next task, venue. Took a while but we locked in a delightful place then returned to the guest list, oops the list was more than double our seating capacity. Well we had to cull the heard a bit and frankly it sucked. First we talked to the out of town guests, if they couldn’t commit we politely explained that we had a space issue and thanked them for their well wishes. Then we had to figure out the next major cut, kids were out unless they were relatives, that really sucked because we know a lot of cool kids and unfortunately they are just too large a group to include.

I never envied my Dad when he had to make roster cuts to his hockey team at the start of the season, the final cuts were brutal hard and this is as close to that as I ever want to come. Guess I am only doing this once. Our next cuts came down to who we knew as a couple. We debated a few that were closer to one than the other and made a few digressions for the special people. Oh man were we close to the right number, still too many. Sunnovabitch. Where the hell were we going to cut next?

We found looked at the entire list, where were the problems likely to arise, by problems I mean math. The equation is simple  Guest x Guest + Alcohol – Filter = Likelihood of Conflict. That didn’t really do the trick, a few at best. So we hit the list in an order we could track. The invites went out with RSVPs in waves, as they came back we either filled in the confirmation slots or added more names to the next round of invites. That worked out better but there are still people we just couldn’t fit in.

The truth is we would love to have you all but if you’ve ever planned a wedding you know that often it’s just not feasible. I am sorry if you can’t make it and I am sorry if we couldn’t invite you. It’s not you, it’s us. Just don’t think we didn’t try or want you there, seating is limited is all. Shit! Gotta go, husbandly duties to attend to.

Watching Out

Watching Out

Adulting is hard. Some days its all I can to to stay awake then others I can’t seem to sleep for the life of me. The one that gets me is that my body seems to want to either ache, rebel against whatever food I put in it or just expand in places I don’t want. This whole “ultra late twenties” thing is bullshit. I shouldn’t complain too much though, the kids are healthy, the bills are paid and in less than a month I get to have on of the few firsts I have been missing in my life, first wedding. Only wedding…ONLY WEDDING!  Sorry dear, love you.

If there wasn’t enough to do in the day already now I have to worry about my biggest fear popping up hours before I am set to take centre stage next to a wonderful woman, pants that don’t fit. Maybe ‘biggest fear’ is an exaggeration but it is  definitely on the top half of the list. I went out and got the fancy clothes and they fit, now I have to keep it that way, if my body decides to expand a bit and I can’t fit in to them I may have to wear my Muppet pajama bottoms instead, which will surprise no one and leave me at the bottom of the river. So what is a poor boy to do, I mean it these events aren’t cheap. Hit the gym right? Wrong, too much to do, a full time job and four kids. Thankfully I have a plan.

Last month a friend of mine was running a 30 day exercise challenge as part of her home based business. My fiancee signed up and to support and encourage her I did to. Squats and planks for 30 days. Squats suck and I walked like a sat down hard on a cactus for a week. The planks got excruciating after the two minute mark was passed. I did get results though. I did not transform into any sort of pinnacle of fitness but after 30 days I did notice a few things beyond the sound my knee makes when it straitens up. So now I have kept on with the next 30 day challenge, push ups and crunches. These ar a little more to my strength and in 10 days when I check my pants for results (I think I misplaced a a joke somewhere) I may have to up my game, we’ll see. I am going to have to check because I have to know and knowing is half the battle (G!I! Jooooooooe!)

The other half is intake. As an adult in my “ultra late twenties” I have to accept the fact that my metabolism is not going to be super co-operative in this endeavour. FML right? I am going to have to pay attention to my intake. Portion control, junk food reduction, over snacking all those things but the one I am most concerned about is having to cut out my beloved craft beer. I am ‘that guy’ I love to try different beers and unfortunately many of them are heavy and not going to do me any favours in the next few weeks. Don’t flip out boys the bachelor party plans are intact but I am going to have to cut down my intake and stick to a lighter fare when I do crave a frosty beverage. The exercise doesn’t bother me but watching my diet is always a problem for me add in the start of BBQ and bon fire season and this is gonna suck, sadly you can’t out train a shitty diet and I just don’t have the time to try. I don’t need 3% body fat or six pack abs, I just need my pants to fit.

 

What IS The Plan?


It’s THAT time again. The trash talking has come out, the BS meter is red lining and we can see the loyalties of our neighbours on display in bright colours and excessive signage. Elections are just around the corner. I am not a big politics person, all I see is a pack of liars promising things they can’t deliver either because they don’t want to or the system will block it. The best I can say about politicians is that I wouldn’t want the job because the general public only sees a small fraction of the process and tie ins yet have no problem vilifying you for anything they don’t agree with. Very much along the lines of telling someone how to do their job even though there is a severe ignorance of how it is done. Like this fella here…

Okay then you might be curious as to which party I am about to endorse in some round about way, keep wondering because I can’t endorse any of them wholeheartedly. That being said I don’t care which one you endorse either, that is your business. I don’t see any point in trying to shift the thinking or ideologies of others in the realm, especially if one person is a dyed in the wool loyalist. In all honestly political affiliation plays almost no role in my opinions of others I see them more as an extension of personality, you back of the same moral guidelines, odds are if I form an opinion of you it will be on the morals etc and the politics won’t surprise me after that. You are just as entitled to your opinion and preferences as I am, I can respect that and not get into an argument if you can.

Allow me to explain my biggest issue with election time, none of these parties want to commit to anything except for pointing out the flaws and mistakes of the others. Far too much time and money is wasted on telling us why ‘the other guys’ are screw ups and bad for the job. They all cry the same general garbage, improve this, more money for that, better this problem, eliminate the other one…yadda yadda yadda. IF they try to do any of it some group gets pissy and wants to block it in the system or in the public. It’s ridiculous, so why not just lay the cards out there now? “We’ll create jobs!” there is a popular cry but vague and with lots of room for disappointment or anger. If that plan is to build a bridge or a pipeline then tell us now. Maybe create a legal marijuana industry or focus on cleaning up the environment instead is that path to that but tell us now so we can decide if that’s the direction we can get behind. Stop trying to get every vote with vague statements and trash talking the other candidates, lay out the plan warts and all. You want to put more money in my pocket? I am all for that but what suffers? Health care? Roads? Education? First responders? Salaries of elected officials and representatives? (I didn’t type that with a strait face, gimme a second to change I think i pissed myself laughing)Alright I’m back. Where was I. Ah yes, warts and all. I think that there are two reasons we never get the full plans during elections 1) they don’t have one, either because there is no plan and are full of shit or 2) telling us the plan is going to piss off a large group of voters. Can’t have people thinking eggs must be broken to make an omelette.

It takes almost no time for me to get disgusted by the electoral practices that take place, and have since democracy was born, now it’s in our face every day. Show me some balls candidates. I want you to tell me that if we want to do one thing then the balance is something else loses out. Tell me now and let’s end the fucking games. I don’t care how bad so and so was/is/will be, if I want to hear a bunch of trash talk and gossip I’ll go to the pub and listen to the drunks or watch anything in with the term “real housewives” in the title. The only real new thing is politics is the most recent happenings in human life the methods and strategies are as old as civilization. Pretty messed up if you ask me but honestly it has worked very well for millennia at this point. What does that say about us?

Well, I got off on a bit of a rant there didn’t I? Well let me make the most important point. YOU MUST VOTE. By God people, it may be a choice between different devils but if we don’t pick one the rest of the population will. Sure the system has it’s flaws and we get treated like crap no matter what but having this kind of say in our fates is a privilege that far too many places do not afford the populace. We are going to be lied to, screwed over, disappointed and left an angry mob that votes out one group to replace it with another, probably the last group we were pissed at. The only thing that will change until our leaders adopt full disclosure is which set of issues anger us. Accept it and vote, make sure your of age kids vote, because IF we do get a chance at real change we should all be in the habit of dropping that paper EVERY TIME WE ARE ASKED. Despite the tactics, understanding to lies, knowing our devils as best we can.